cliff jumping

here I can come to say that which would get me flagged

like how life is only harder and fleeting the older I get

like how being born withdrawing for cocaine and alcohol really shaped me

like how having parental and support systems that are inherently not that

like having people in my life who think I'm negative because I can't get over

environmental destruction, and racism..or economic in equality

I'm just a negative sad sap fuck face for noticing these things

why can't I just envelop myself in my white male privilege and just get over on everyone else

why can't I just want to consume? thoughtlessly, with no regard for a future


why can't I?

here the summary
I want to die

I want to give up on this scripted play

I actually convinced myself I had grown and made progress, faced demons and walked on fire.

put myself into compromising situation and returned with a head held high

maybe it was the smoke
maybe it was a joke


long story/ rant/ welp short


there is a glass of water sitting next to me and
30 little of options
they've never been more friendly,
they've never listened more
they have never liked me this much.


id say pray for me
but I know that's what got me here

do me a favor help me keep these pills down.

sun shine with off shores

if you let this build....it might hurt more than it had to
come on kid you're doing great
you want this for real...
you met someone you connected with...but timing is everything.
and YOU are not there.........dont even consider her
you are not there.
the tears know
we hate to let go
but guess what...life only gets better


go to new york
and discover yourself.


you are fine

clouds

my love for you is like a dream, i could wake up anytime i want
startled out of a nightmare.
awoken with desire from a lustful sleep.
where do i really want to be
if you're planting the saame harvest. im not interested
if you have new abundant ways to show me....i might have an inclination
but as far as i can tell myself, you have nothing to offer, except heartbreak.pain and loss.
mostly by taking such a high road....one i never knew until we met on an airplane.
now im left with pieces to many puzzles...trying to put together a flawed picture...
something might settle in...but won't it just be complacency?
settling for less than i know is there....
speak your curse...endless perfection to the point of destruction
she has never compromised her body.....
thats for you to play....mr boy toy...
chewed up fucked, and spit out, all because we asked for it...
you're the only one i could believe the dream with
the fame, the tabloids
the incessant pressure to prove we're really in love.
the cracks formed by each tour and each desire to gain independence.
your  age makes even my insides feel like high school entries.
who the fuck are you, and where did you come from.
do you know what you've done? im a motivated wreck.
if you're some 19 year old  dream....whats next
i know you felt me, im done teling myself otherwise
the trip continues to unfold.

my spirit has not died

i am just retooling my kits

my best friend left the story

now im here to go on


not the end...

dont you worry

sandy learns to play the drums

smp learns to play the drums.
one day sandy was walking around town when she heard a live band playing. she had heard live music and decided to check it out. she walked up close to the stage and witnessed something that would change her forever.
sandy watched as the drummer preformed a talent showcasing drum solo that included slow rhythms and fast, he began slowly and gradually sped up his rhythms. his arms were flying in all directions as he seemed to leave no drum or cymbal unscathed.

his solo lasted under 5 minutes and the first thought in sandy’s mind was. I want to do that

she got on her bike and sped home to check her piggy bank
she smashed her porcelain piggy bank like a crash cymbal, change and dollar bills went flying all over sandy’s bed, she feverishly began counting and even tried counting in a rhythm out-loud.

after all the money have been counted sandy had 250 dollars. she ran to her mom and said mom will you drive me to the music store i want to buy a drum set, mrs potatoes was surprised but willfully agreed.

at the shop sandy bolted out of the car and into the music store, she had one thing on her mind. beats, she had moved so fast into the store she didn’t even see the children’s drum set in the window. it was just her size and happened to be her favorite color, purple

mrs p and the shop owner laughed about sandy’s blinding excitement but the store owners face looked quite puzzled when sandy ran up the the counter and innocently placed 250 cash on the counter

wow kid you are our youngest customer to ever pay that much in cash.

yeah well i know what i want and what i want is to bang some tubs.

the store owner helped put sandy’s awesome new drum set in the car. the rattle of the snare drum strings hummed the whole way home

when they arrived home sandy started unloading her new drum set and taking it up stairs to her room, in all of her spastic excitement she had forgotten about clearing a place to put it, still sandy was determined to have her drum set

she eventually gathered the whole kit piece by piece and began to process of rearranging her room. she moved her bed to the window and her desk next to her bed. voila a nice open area to make some noise.

sandy arranged her kit to her comfort and instantly began bashing away. she didn’t quite have rhythm but boy does she hit hard. downstairs mr and mrs potatoes were looking at each other mrs potatoes jokingly said what have we done!?

they both smiled. just above them sandy was getting used to all the different things you have to focus on, but regardless of how she sounded, sandy mashed potatoes had found something she enjoyed

sandy learns to do laundry

Sandy mashed potatoes learns to do laundry
one day sandy was running out of clean clothes to wear so she decided to learn how to clean her dirty laundry. she went downstairs into the garage of her home and sat gazing at the machines that seemed so scary when she was young. she said to the washer first, i'm not going to be afraid of you and you're going to help me clean my clothes. she looked at the dryer and still wasn't sure what to say

sandy opened the washer door and peeked inside. there were a bunch of holes in the cylinder behind the door. sandy ran back up stairs to grab her load of clothes which by now had grown to almost twice her size. 3 trips was what it took to grab all of the laundry in need of cleaning. after moving all of her pile to the base of the washer, she began to load the huge machine.

one by one with all sorts of types of clothes she loaded up the washer, shirts, pants, shorts skirts under garments socks and even a jacket or 2.

whew sandy said with relief when she was able to fit every last article of clothing in the washer. sandy looked around for some soap she had seen her mom using before. a colorful orange bottle caught her eye and she tried to reach it but it was too high in the cabinets

sandy thought to herself, what could i stand on that would be stable? after peeking around she spied a step ladder and decided it would be both safe and stable for her tiny little frame. she stood on the ladder and easily snatched the orange bottle, mission accomplished.

upon opening the bottle a blast of clean scent permeated her sense of smell, wow my clothes are going to smell great she thought. next sandy looked at all of the confusing dials and numerous setting this huge machine had. she sat and thought a while and decided her clothes were normal. so she chose the normal setting. the next option was hot, medium or cold, being new to this experience she chose to stay in the middle with the warm setting. after setting her dials and turning on the machine she added her laundry soap.

upon its arrival in the water the soap created many bubbles, sandy was amazed and started to run her hands under the warm rushing water wishing she could swim in her laundry machine. she giggled at the thought of being among the suds and promptly closed the lid.

after the water filled the washer it began making the noise she had always feared as a baby. she sat looking at the trembling machine and told herself. this huge thing is washing my clothes and i have nothing to be afraid of, upon this realization she felt her anxiety toward the washer and even the whole dark garage dissipate into understanding. she realized when you’re afraid of something make an effort to understand where the fear comes from and try to learn about its function.

after half an hour of waiting the washer finished and signaled its end. it was time to learn about the dryer sandy had heard and seen it before but had never personally used it. she noticed outside in her backyard that the sun was shining and the a light breeze was dancing through the air.

a though occurred to sandy, why not let the sun dry my freshly cleaned clothes?” this idea was huge for sandy as she ran to ask her mom for help mom i'm scared of the dryer can i dry my clothes in the sun?

sandy's mother laughed and agreed to help her make a clothesline. sandy retrieved a long string from her kit making kit and ran to the backyard. she looked about and spied two trees that were pretty even in location and the sun was shining right between them!

she knew this was her drying spot for sure. sandy ran back inside and put all of her clean wet clothes in a basket and with all of her 8 year old strength lifted her basket and brought it outside.

the sun was warm and the birds were chirping. sandy ran over to one tree and tied her string around the trunk. after making a sturdy knot she ran with her string over to the next tree, pulled the slack on her string and tied the other end around the tree.

her clothesline was about 3 and half feet tall, perfect for her little stature she began hanging all of her clothes on the line from one tree over to the next sandy felt a great sense of accomplishment as she neared the bottom of her basket. this was a chore she actually enjoyed!

after getting all of her clothes hung on the line she decided to hang out in the sun with her clothes and make some fresh lemonade. she ran over and picked a lemon from their lemon tree and sat it on the patio table. then she went to the kitchen and found a plastic pitcher perfect for holding her lemonade.

she filled the pitcher with ice and half way with water, she then added sugar and squeezed her fresh lemon into the ice cold sugar water. this was going to be exactly what she needed to enjoy the sun along with her new accomplishment

sandy learns to skate

smp learns to skateboard. One day smp looked out the window and saw a boy coming down the hill to their house on a skateboard. it looked as though he was going really fast! his movements were very fluid almost like cooked spaghetti! to make things even better he was doing s shaped lines...this is was too perfect sandy had to meet this kid...she had to let him know about his new name! as the spaghetti skater neared the end of the hill he got really low on his skateboard and began to learn to one side creating a loud noise as his wheels slid along the concrete.

after getting off his skateboard, he looked up and saw sandy, all awash with envy at his skill. he smiled after seeing sandys pretty eyes and honest smile, after taking a second to catch his voice he said ‘hello my name is , what is your name? Sandy could wait long enough to reply and bursted out MY NAME IS SANDY WILL YOU TEACH ME TO DO THAT!?

was surprised at her excitement and was actually a bit startled... he once again tried to speak but his voice just was having a hard time getting past his smile....”sure i always like skating with someone new, do you have a skateboard?”

yeah my dad rides them all the time, but what you did was pretty amazing! can i call you the spaghetti skater...because thats what you reminded me of going down the hill all s turning and stuff...”

“yeah thats a super cool name...ill have to practice my s turns more! ‘ go ask your dad if you can use his skateboards..im excited to see all these old boards!”

sandy ran up the stairs to her dads office where he was busy ‘hey dad can i borrow one of your skateboards...my new friend is going to show me how...he’s really good.”
Mr potatoes replied..” wow, you want to learn? id love for you to learn but make sure you are careful and if you want, wear some pads.”

sandy ran downstairs to the garage and told to follow...they opened a closet and found about 10 skateboards all neatly placed in the closet.

“wow!!! look at all these boards”....all the boards were different shapes and sizes....sandy grabbed one that was fit her size and a pair of skate shoes her mr potatoes had bought for her.

she was ready to roll.

was impressed that she was so eager, as well as being well equipped, “your dad must be an awesome skater”

“yeah he is, hes been doing it for like 30 years or something”


an embarrased smile overtook sandys face as she looked over at sketti...he was amused and did his best to hold back his giggles.
‘ are you regular or goofy’ ...
sandy looked puzzeled at this question ..a little bit of both i guess’
the skaters smile grew even bigger
‘no i meant, which stance feels natural..right foot forward is goofy and left foot forward is regular..’
ohhh..ha..oh..umm i am goofy...
okay well lets go check out the skatepark..it should be empty right now..

as the duo entered the park the spaghetti skater took off shredding as usual. the newest trick he was learning was called a frontside air. sandy watched his stringy golden brown hair play in the passing winds as he zipped and zoomed around each hip and transition.

at that moment sandy knew this what something she wanted to do well.
sandy was at an advantage as her father has cruised around with her on surfboards and long skateboards..she had an idea of how these things felt. she stepped on the board and started rolling along...as she figured out how to steady herself her comfort started showing. the spaghetti skater cruised over and rolled next to her watching her with curious eyes..she didn’t look like this was her first time...
‘you are a natural...do you surf too?

‘no but i’d like to learn...’